1 week later.

sunday i returned from the beach with my aunt and cousin and the next day, it all started.

i was reminded of a little me in elementary school spending the weeks leading up to a new school year in tears -- terrified of the beginning of the school year. despite the fact that 1/2 of my class was always the same and i had each teacher for 2 years -- so basically i generally knew what i was getting into and once school started i enjoyed it. i liked learning. i liked my friends. but for those two weeks before... i went to be crying every night.

that's rather how sunday was. what was i getting myself into? such a busy schedule.

part of it was feeling overwhelmed with the pure amount of time i had signed myself up for (camp: about 15 hrs/wk, class: 14 hrs/week, psych lab: 10 hrs/wk, jes res: 6 hrs/wk). but more than that was thinking about camp. about the kids i would be working with. and even more the kids i wouldn't be working with.

blanca. my sweet, eager to learn, know it all
william and his sister Gabi. my impish trouble makers who i feel like are my younger siblings, or maybe cousins. my family at any rate.
roxana and bea and susana.
karina. quiet, unsure, stubborn
jeni. a happy smiler who loves hugs.
jorge. one of the little ones, quiet, angelic smile, who can't follow directions to save his life.
alber. chaos on wheels with a mischievous grin to match. and quite the little host.
ahsley. 3 yrs old. shy and sweet.
lesli. bossy and timid all at once

that's not even all of them. but they're the ones i wanted. and i felt like these other kids, these american kids, who likewise need love and attention and care, but these american kids who aren't "mine" who i don't have the history with. or not the same history at any rate. could i like them? could i let them into my heart? my heart which lately seems most at home and present in memories. being present to now takes a lot more work.

and not to terribly over romanticize el salvador: while i was there it was hard. and the kids were crazy and all over the place. and often i wanted to pull out all of my hair. i wondered what i was doing wrong and how a could do it better. but that it was hard, that those kids and i made that journey together. that they taught me about themselves. that they taught me what they needed. that they showed me me in a new light. that is was hard and we did it together, that makes me miss them all the more.

and i still haven't sent them any post cards or pictures. i still haven't called william and gabi back. i still think about them every day but struggle to do any thing else. and the best i can think is that it would be really admitting that i am not there. but i know that. i know that. so... ?

the kids at camp. well i do have a relationship with them as well. i was there every week fall semester with many of the same kids. and many of the remembered me. and one of the little girls at breakfast one day last week would run over to me and ask for a big hug. run away. and come back for another one a few minutes later. one of the big-trouble-makers, a young boy, remember me. a little girl that would often sit on my lap came to me find me one of the afternoons even though she was in a different group and asked if i could come with her to see my picture. isn't it crazy, it is often these little things, these little gesture, offered by young kids that make me most understand love, that make me feel most loved. because it is so mutual. we need each other. these kids, these american kids, and me. it's different though, as any relationship is different from any other. one of the ways this is most different is i will have a different group of kids every week.

besides camp i have a developmental psych class and a drawing class. i love them both. it's actually been such a good thing to have classes after camp. something to do with myself in the afternoons instead of lazing around, alone, in my room. and engaging -- the psych class is fascinating and the art class is focusing and grounding. at the jesuit residence on campus now and it feels really like time off.

usually fridays i will be in the psych lab but instead this friday i helped out with an extra day or camp. meaning i'm behind on my lab hours, but i can catch up in august so it should be ok.

so all in all, it's been quite the week. i'm really happy with how things have turned out. and feeling free from freaking out about the present, so i'm turning my attention to... what AM i agoing to do in the spring when i am all graduated ?

as sister helen says: Christy, you're a worry wart. and i don't say it to be mean. it's just the way it is.