Life and Death

So, finally we have arrived to the key moment of the retreat/conference. This realization and hope were the foundation for me as I listened to that litany of violence. It is this realization, come to 11 hours into the Bible Study, that is based very much on the revelation of those three D's. So here we go, another story (a long one, but I promise so worth it). As you read, keep this in mind: Father John proposed, as he had been taught on a retreat, that Lazarus is Greek meaning "humanity."

Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, " Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick." But when Jesus heard this, He said, "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it." Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when He heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was. Then after this He said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." The disciples said to Him, " Rabbi, the Judaens were just now seeking to stone You, and are You going there again?" Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him."
This He said, and after that He said to them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep." The disciples then said to Him, "Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover." Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that He was speaking of literal sleep. So Jesus then said to them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, and I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may believe; but let us go to him." Therefore Thomas, who is called Didymus, said to his fellow disciples, "Let us also go, so that we may die with Him."
So when Jesus came, He found that he had already been in the tomb four days. Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off; and many of the Judaens had come to Martha and Mary, to console them concerning their brother. Martha therefore, when she heard that Jesus was coming, went to meet Him, but Mary stayed at the house. Martha then said to Jesus, " Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha said to Him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day." Jesus said to her, “ am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?" She said to Him, "Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world."
When she had said this, she went away and called Mary her sister, saying secretly, "The Teacher is here and is calling for you." And when she heard it, she got up quickly and was coming to Him. Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha met Him. Then the Judaens who were with her in the house, and consoling her, when they saw that Mary got up quickly and went out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there.
Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Judaens who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?"
They said to Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. So the Judaenss were saying, "See how He loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind man, have kept this man also from dying?"
So Jesus, again being deeply moved within, came to the tomb. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it.
Jesus said, "Remove the stone." Martha, the sister of the deceased, said to Him, "Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" So they removed the stone Then Jesus raised His eyes, and said, "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe that You sent Me."
When He had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come forth." The man who had died came forth, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face was wrapped around with a cloth.
Jesus said to them, "Unbind him, and let him go." (John 11:1-44, NASB)

Wow. So, so much in this! Maybe let's start with a little bit of context.

In the beginning of this story Jesus is returning to Judea (John said that most translations read "Jews" which is an entire cultural group and that here the translation should be Judaens -- much more specific and speaks to a geographical location). At the end of the chapter 10, the Judaens "picked up stones again to stone Him." In this story, with the death of Lazarus, Jesus is returning to those who just verses ago (days ago) tried to kill him!

When the disciples hear of his intention to return, they freak out just a little bit. They don't understand. First they want to believe literally Jesus' words that Lazarus is just asleep: "oh he'll be fine Jesus, he'll wake up, we don't need to go back." Jesus spells it out so there's no wiggle room. Thomas, (can you here the irony in his voice), puts to voice what they are all thinking "Great, Jesus. We'll go back and then they will kill us and we'll be dead, too." And so Jesus goes back alone. (Did you catch that when you read it? After Thomas speaks the disciples are not mentioned again, it just says "So when Jesus came...")

So we have the disciples, terrified and full of doubt. We have the crowd with death on their minds (they death of Lazarus and of Jesus). Let's look at Mary and Martha.
Martha, in her grief does this little trick to manipulate Jesus, saying "Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." But when Jesus asks her, do you really believe I am the Life and Resurrection, she dodges the question, saying yeah sure your the Christ and runs away and gets her sister saying Jesus called her. Jesus didn't say anything about Mary! Mary and Martha both of them in despair at their brothers death.

Finally, let's look at Jesus. There are two emotions we see him feel in this text. The first one, oddly enough, is gladness. He says that he is glad that his dear friends Lazarus has died so then, finally!, the disciples, the people will see and know Him. The second emotion is grief, it says he troubled, perturbed and he weeps. The people there assume he is weeping for his friend's death, but we know that he is glad for the death of Lazarus. So why does he weep? The first time he weeps, it is at Mary's and the Judaen's tears. He weeps that they have given way to despair and doubt. The second time is when he asks where Lazarus is and they say "Come and see" -- a harkening back to the beginning when Jesus invites the disciples of John the Baptist to "Come and see" where he is staying, inviting them into life. Turned on its head here, the Judaens invite Jesus to the tomb to "come and see" the death the have created and live in. Finally, he is deeply troubled at the talk of the Judaens that had he come earlier, Lazarus would still live.

So, we come to the tomb. In this place surrounded by death, both in and out of the tomb, surrounded by the three D's : despair, doubt, domination, Jesus calls forth life. He calls for the stone to be rolled away. At first they protest, saying but it will smell. It could be comical, what a small excuse to try to stay separated from life, yet heartbreaking because it is so understandable and so real. How often it is the small messes that keep us from life. So again Jesus says, roll away the stone. And they do. He call "Humanity" forth and sends his persecutors to unbind him. In the midst of death, despair, doubt, domination, He calls Purveyors of Death to be Agents of Life.

What a God to believe in, that turns the world thus on its head!

The Three Temptations.

This is what I learned from John, and this, above anything else, is the image I have taken away from the retreat. This is the image and knowledge I found comfort in as I listened to the politics of violence in the world. Let me start with a story:

Then, after he was baptized, Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, to be tempted by the devil. And after He had fasted forty days and forty nights, He became hungry and the tempter came and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread." But Jesus answered and said, "It is written, ‘man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’”
Then the devil took Jesus into the holy city and had Him stand on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down; for it is written, ‘God will command the angels concerning you’ and ‘ on their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus said to him, “On the other hand, it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
Again, the devil took Jesus to a very high mountain and showed Him all the kingdoms od the world and their glory and he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You fall down and worships me.” Jesus said to him, "Go, Satan! For it is written, 'You shall worship the Lord you God, and serve Him only.’”
Then the devil left Him; and behold, angels came and began to minister to Him. (Matthew 4:1-11, NASB)

What does this have to do with anything, except show that Jesus didn't give into temptations, very esoteric temptations. removed from us by 2000 years. John broke it down into what I've been remembering as the 3 D's.

1. "Turn these stones to bread" is the temptation to Despair. Here, the tempter says to Jesus, if you are hungry, you better take care if it yourself. Everything rests on your shoulders and if you don't do it no one will.
2. "Throw yourself down from here" is the temptation to Doubt. Here the tempter insists that in order for Jesus to know God (to confirm himself as God's beloved) he must attempt suicide. It's a temptation to a desperate doubt that needs proof of God's love.
3. "Worship me and the world will be yours" is the temptation to Domination. Here the tempter that only through control and dominion over everything and everyone can Jesus fulfill his mission, can reach all of the people he is meant to (at the small cost of His soul). It forgets that God is a God of relationships. Hitler built his platform on a promise of "1000 Years of Peace" but to get to that Peace, this group and that needed exterminated. This might be the temptation that he fell trap to: that peace can come about only through control, rather than in partnership.

In each of these, Jesus turns the focus back to God, grasping on to his core identity as God's Beloved. He knows that "His Father knows that you need [food and clothing]" (Matthew 6:32) and that God can handle his hunger -- and not just physical but his spiritual hunger and so does not fall pray to despair. He knows He is God's Beloved and does not need to test it and so does not fall prey to doubt. He worships God alone and does not need to take control/dominion from Him and so does not fall prey to domination.

In these terms, through this lens, a lot of my own temptations stem from these three D's, and so have this new lens, being helped to name some root causes of my own struggles helps me to understand myself better and to begin to be able to unlock my clenched fist, often around fear, and live with palms open ready to freely give and freely receive.

Death and Life

Here we are, back for Blog # 2 on the Peace Making Conference!

The world, it turns out, is a difficult, horrible deathly place. Throughout the conference, the theme of which was ending War at Home and Abroad-- connecting structural violence and injustice in the US to unjust actions and battles being perpetrated abroad -- kept bring me back to El Salvador and the US in the 1980's. I heard, many times, that there are 35 wars are being fought around the war right now. 1 in 8 Americans are on food stamps. The Obama administration has done more for nukes than any President since Reagan (this especially brings me chills as Reagan was responsible for much of the US foreign policy in El Salvador in the '80s). There is a proposal to freeze all government spending except social security, Medicare, and military -- and the military has essentially a blank check. I learned

there is a glaring omission in Obama’s security strategy, namely, no recognition of how the pursuit of wars in Iraq, Pakistan, and Afghanistan impacts, undermines and compromises his goals of educational and health care access, especially for those who have none. There is no connection drawn between the size of our deficit and the pursuit of war. There is no realization (at least, none articulated) that economic innovation, access to educational opportunity, and the availability of quality health care are strangled by unchecked and unbridled military spending. --Bryan Massingale, 8 **

I was reminded, once again, that we live in a society of consumerism and as we accumulate more and more "stuff," we come to feel more and more entitled and we feel more and more jealous and certain that not only does everyone else (in the world) want to take our stuff from us, but that we need more and only through having more can we ever find happy. So we clutch our fists and our stuff tighter to our chests, and we use our guile to hide and to take, to attack and to protect. I was reminded that in the wake of 9/11 that after a few days of solidarity, of grieving and mourning that were all too necessary, we were instructed "to shop." And don't even get me started on Blackwater -- I'll post the speech transcript here as soon as Pax Christi gets it up.

Meagan McKenna, one of the key note speakers and wonderful story teller, commented that this was what she struggled with "Nonviolence Conferences" : they start with violence. The litany of death rang in my ears. One speech maker commented that usually his speeches don't send people searching for razor blades, but this one sure did. Me and nearly everyone at my table found ourselves gasping when it was done. What do we do when violence and death are all we can see? Violence and death that can cause us to get stuck in the mire, to lose all hope. Hope, I felt, was what was missing from several of the talks at Pax Christi, so I returned to the retreat with John Dear to find my balance: Christ brings Life from Death

It is only with this hope -- this innocent and perhaps naive belief (or is it naive and innocent? does it perhaps take the strongest faith and courage?) that Jesus can bring life from death -- It is only with this hope that there is truly life, that I can get out of bed in the morning. It is only within the context of Christ, within the context of God's love and omnipotence, that I can proclaim my being and the being of the world. That I can look to God for the next step, turn over to Him the big picture and give Him to hold my despair, my doubt, my tendency towards domination. It is to Him I run, and on His shoulder I shed my tears for the hurt and pain of this world. And in giving my tears to Him, and not holding them as chains to myself, that I am freed, that I can be a part of LIFE. Then I can live as though I am, and you are, and each person created on this earth is, BELOVED.

A Meditation

What if you were created on purpose? What if you were loved with a passion and depth greater and wider than anything you could imagine? Take a moment. Close your eyes. Breath deeply. Imagine this. Imagine this love and this lover. As you set your self in this love, as you open your heart and imagination to it, what do you feel? What do you look like?

What if you really believed this love was true? How would you live? How would you treat yourself? What would it look like to live in this love? Who would you be? Take a moment. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Imagine this.

Now widen the scope. What if this were true for the person next to you? Your mother, father, siblings, relatives? Classmates, coworkers? Take a moment. Close your eyes. Breath deeply. Imagine this. As you set the people closest to your heart (or even just acquaintances) in this love, what do they look like?

Finally. What if this were also true for the person who irritated you on the bus or the road this morning? The person you try to avoid? Or even farther, what if it were true for that person (because there's one in everyone's life) who just makes you want to pull your hair or just shake them? What if it were true about all of the Iraqis, Iranians, Middle Easterners? The Sandinistas?

What if your enemy, your enemy and the enemy of your country, what if they were also created on purpose? What if they too were loved with a depth and a passion unimaginable, by the same Creator who holds you in the depths of his heart?

Take a moment. Close your eyes. Breath deeply. What is your reaction to this? What do you feel? Disbelief? Fear? Outrage? Indifference? perhaps a grain of truth?

This is the heart of the Gospel: For God so loved the world he sent his only son.

He loves the world. Breathe that into the depths of yourself, all the way to your toes. God loves the world. You, me, your friends, neighbors, family, and those that we don't care for. God does.

God speaks twice in the Gospels to Jesus. Both times saying, "You are my beloved Son." This enduring message of love. He says it to each of us, too.

But. It is this love, that is Jesus's very identity. He accepts it and makes it the basis for everything. He CLAIMS God's love. He BELIEVES God's love. He LIVES God's love. This is the foundation for everything.

It is this love that is meant to be the foundation, too, for everything in our loves, particularly those of us that claim to follow Christ, who are called to measure our life to His, to follow the example he set.

What does it mean to be God's beloved?
To know I am loved?
to be with this loving God?
to know that I am not no one?
to know that I am not alone?

My core fundamental identity is I AM GOD'S BELOVED

Breathe this truth into you, again and again and again. Breathe it out in your words and actions to yourself and those around you. Let it bring you wholeness and into holiness.

You are the beloved of God.

Co- Authors of the History of Creation

What is suffering?

This is the question that has been on my mind for the past... well while, but specifically the past week. I had the opportunity to be part of a workshop on Inner Peace and Social Justice sponsored by the archdiocese of DC about a week ago. The opening remarks of the priest have stuck with, likely because it's a strong image: the blood and water pouring from Christ's side.

Water and blood, blood and water: the wine of the Eucharist, the water of baptism. In this physical outpouring of blood and water, this manifestation of Christ's love, we are cleansed. We are baptized, the priest said, in the water that flows from Christ's side, just as each Sunday we drink the wine of his blood.

As we are cleansed in and through Christ's sacred suffering, we too are invited and called to our suffering, to our love. To be bathed in Christ's water and Christ's blood we are reformed.

Yesterday this theme was once again brought up in the Homily at mass. Suffering, the Jesuit said, is evil. We are not meant to suffer; God does not want us to suffer.

Warning lights and question marks flew off my face and in my heart. "You have my complete and total attention," I thought, " now where are you going with this?"

"We are not called to suffer. All suffering is evil. Christ spent his life alleviating suffering, casting out demons, curing illnesses, ministering to the poor. Christ shows us that we are not meant (called) to suffer. We are called to love. We are called to love and in so doing to give ourselves away. To give ourselves, which can be scary, which can hurt. Whichever of will lose your life will save it."

We are called to love. Yes, I believe that with all of my heart and being. But does that mean that all suffering is evil? Does it make me somewhat masochistic if I don't think all suffering is evil, that maybe sometimes it can be important? Is it evil that Christ suffered -- Yes, evil that he was tortured and killed, but if suffering is evil it seems like perhaps accepting and allowing that suffering to happen to himself is also evil? Sitting back and allowing suffering is evil.

Yet, isn't it through Christ's suffering and often times our own suffering that we become sanctified? That we, in our woundedness can truly allow God and Christ to enter and lead. Yet, maybe that has more to do with the goodness of God and his ability to use all for his purposes than the actual nature of suffering. God is God and is so good that even evil can be used for goodness.

Father Maher says through studying, mass, reading the Bible and scriptures we can get the word of God in our heads and then down to sit on our heart. but the Word enters our heart when our heart is broken and in this brokeness, there is space and need for the Word to truly enter us, to become part of us.

In this loving so deeply that we give ourselves away, that we love even when it hurts. That love that is so great that it leads to pain and accepts suffering ... if suffering is inherently evil, how can it be the result of something so good, something so of God? but God is good and wants the best for us, but the world is fallen. So while we were created for love and not for suffering, suffering is a part of life. It can be destructive, or salvific but it can only be salvific through God because of Christ. So alone suffering is evil and not of God but the greatness of our God is that even that he can use even that.

Talking with Father Maher as he walked by, he commented: "it's not that everything happens for a reason, but rather that God can create reason from anything." Even suffering. In our freedom, in our God given freedom, that through free will, through freely choosing him, freely choosing to love even in pain, God can bring meaning and we are co-authors of the History of Creation, bathed in blood and water and so freed to love even when it hurts and when we can't love any more, Christ can and will love for us and through us, if we ask him to.

How do you measure a life?

Just found this article, and well, I don't think I could say it any better myself:

And I offer you this as an alternative yardstick to perfection and happiness.

My aunt told me once that emotions are a single package -- if you lose or deny one of them (sadness frustration despair discontentedness) you lose all of them. To strive to only feel happiness assures above anything else that you will not feel it.

A Stranger's Kindness

Several weeks ago, I was coming home from work at the Perry School. It had been an amazing day there! Involving drumming, dancing, playing with the kids around the Peace Pole outside and then a Family night with amazing conversations between parents and kids in the Peace Room.

Any rate, this wonderful day went long. I had to catch an 8:24 bus to back on campus in time (or 5 minutes late!) to my Thursday evening Seniors faith sharing group -- one of the high lights of my week, honestly. I have about 6 blocks to walk and a long stop light. Booking it, I could see the bus stop at 8:22 and figured I was ok and slowed down a little. 3o seconds later, to see the bus speed by. This is a bus that only comes every half hour. I was leading the group that night and really didn't want to miss it, so took of running again. Hoping the next few red lights would slow the bus down enough. Running running running. And it's not gonna happen. Slow to a speed walk when a car, stopped at the light roles down their windows and says: "You trying to catch the bus?" To which, out of breath, I can only nod "Yes." "Do you want a ride?"

"Do you want a ride?" I think the earth stopped as I inhaled the question. Did I want a ride? And flashing in my head are thoughts of my prayer group and my desperate desire to be there. the warning repeated over and over again since i was little not to take rides from strangers. but there was something that made me trust that these strangers were not strangers but compassionate people. "Do you want a ride?"

To which, out of breath, I could only not "Yes." and got in the back seat.

"We saw you running and figured you wanted the bus," they said, "and we felt bad."

"Thank you!"

They resumed their conversation, finalizing plans for the party they were throwing the next night.

"Do you know what the next stop is ? I wonder if we can pass the bus before then..."
(this said on a tight one lane in each direction street...)

"Logan circle and dupont are stops" I said, " but if it stops and we are right behind it, I can just jump out and run ahead and get on it."

And just then, the bus stopped, I jumped out... the bus slowly started and I ran and knocked on the door. It stopped, opened the door, let me on.

I sat down, sighed, and laughed in gratitude. What a ridiculous night.

As the bus rode on toward school, I thought about risk and trust and compassion. To trust someone is a risk. How to decide when it is a risk worth taking? Be it in love, in friendship, accepting a favor ... there is the chance that hearts will be broken, that people will be hurt. When is the risk worth taking? When is it fool hardy?

What about the compassion it takes to offer a ride to a stranger? And the trust to accept? A risk is being taken on both sides. Can it only be justified if everything ends well?

I like to think that there is goodness in the world. That there is beauty and love and gentleness in addition to the betrayals and the pain. It's a gamble that I hope that I take every day, in one way or another.